Are Professional Women Less Desirable?
Posted by: tony on 01/09/2007 10:37 PM
Updated by: tony on 01/09/2007 10:39 PM
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Expires: 02/09/2007 12:00 AM
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One of my "must reads" every day is Villainous Company. Not only for the pretty pin-up girl above the fold, but for the very probing and on-target articles that Cassandra writes.
The following statement brings tears to my eyes, and I wipe them away quick lest I have to rip up my "manly man card":
And men need to feel needed too. They need to know that what they provide: the security of a home and a future for the family, is noticed and cherished. All those hours of overtime, and planning, and promotions: they are worth something. I tried, for a few years, to get my husband to consider retiring to a less stressful job, using my income as a supplement. It took me a while to realize, and I still don't understand it, that he takes great pride in the fact that he is able to support me. And he does it better than I could - I don't dispute that fact. Although he welcomes my income and he is proud of my acheivements, I don't think he wants that role taken away. That's not why I married him. But it seems necessary to him. It grieves me considerably. He is more to me than some meal ticket.
A woman gets it! Hallelujia!!! This reminds me of a discussion I had with my daughter while she was sitting on the couch with my wife. It went something like this.
Me: "I really don't care if your mother loves me. I want her to need me, respect me, and let me know that she thinks I'm competent"
Daughter: "What??? Are you saying you don't love mom?!?!?!?!"
Me: "No, listen carefully. I love your mother more than life itself. I would gladly take a bullet for her. But I don't really care if she loves me. I want respect."
Wife: [Smiles at my daughter]
Me: "See your mom and I have different needs and motivations. She wants love and affection. I want trust and respect. If we give each other what the other needs, the marriage works a lot better".
Cassandra quotes Maureen Dowd:
So was the feminist movement some sort of cruel hoax? Do women get less desirable as they get more successful?
Not really. It's all in the attitude. The "chip on the shoulder 'I-can-do-anything-a-man-can-do'" type if feminist is supremely repugnant to a guy like me. Not because I feel "threatened" at all, but because in a relationship with a woman like that I would not be needed.
I need to be needed. I need to be the guy who kills the yucky spider in the bathroom. I need to be the guy who empties the mouse trap after catching the mouse. I need to be the guy who can hang a 75 pound mirror properly, fix a dryer, build a deck, and make the singing stuffed Christmas bear sing again.
I was at a wedding once, and the priest who delivered the homily said: "God never puts two people who are exactly alike together, because if He did, one of you would be unnecessary". I have always remembered that.
Feminists who portray themselves as "men with vaginas" have no interest for me. I want to support my family. I want to be needed. I want to be desired sexually. I want to be considered competent, respected and trusted.
Let me reiterate a line that Cass said:
That's not why I married him. But it seems necessary to him. It grieves me considerably. He is more to me than some meal ticket.
It shouldn't grieve you, Cass. He is operating exactly as designed. And "needed provider" is a very important part of who he is. I feel the same way. I don't define myself by my work. I define myself by my family role of husband and father. Providing is a big part of that job.
Women who develop a lucritive career so they "don't have to rely on any man" hold no attraction for me. Women (like my wife) who are competent in the workplace, but remind me constantly that I'm necessary, do. There is nothing wrong with a strong woman as long as she understands and communicates that she doesn't have to be strong with me. Being relied on, and being needed is very important to me. Lack of it is a deal breaker. Just like I need my wife. I cannot live without her.
Cass continues with:
The truth is that we often want different things, and the even more unpleasant truth is that for women, what we want often includes making those we care about happy. Which means, in the end, that if we are keeping score by men's rules, as Ms. Dowd seems to want to do, we will always lose.
Which brings me to the subject of feminist obsession with "success". Maureen Dowd seems the epitome of "successful" women. Great job at the NYT, respect and a lucrative salary, but all she does is moan and groan about her personal life. Does she consider herself a "success"? If offered a chance at a wonderful life with a loving man, would she give up her career to do it?
Ms. Dowd reminds me of the story about the monkey with his hand in a jar of walnuts. He was crying because he could not get his hand out of the jar because his fist was full of walnuts. All the monkey needed to do to be free was to let loose of some of the walnuts, not all of them, just some of them so his fist would pull out of the jar. He refused to do that, so he remained stuck.
Maureen, and many of her feminist contemporaries are stuck because they won't let go of some of the nuts (pun very much intended :)).
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